Monday, June 2, 2014


beginnings....

When I was making an appointment for my yearly physical, and the receptionist offered me an appointment on earth day, I remember feeling like that would be an excellent day to get a once over.  

Earth day was a rainy day and it just so happened that Dave had to drive me, as all the vehicles were needed in business that day.  He was waiting outside in the rain, after my appointment.   I hopped into the car in a surreal kind of state.  Half in shock, half jokey and silly.  I was between two worlds.  The one that existed before I went in, and the one that was poking at me now.   My doctor during my breast exam, asked me to feel where his finger was....'that's a sist' then he moved my hand ' and that's a lump'.  The words fell out of his mouth, and after such a long and leisurely light visit, I couldn't switch gears, I couldn't hear what he was saying.  Not fully.  I have always had this imaginary boundary ready to be constructed, like an invisible wall that goes up anytime something potentially harmful is coming my way.  My medium says it's a protective angel, who shields me from bad news.  I was trying to get around the wall, because I felt I needed to hear what was happening.  It was surreal.  Within a few moments, he was lining up referrals and telling me he would be straight with me all the way along.   He mapped out his findings on the crinkly hard paper bed cover, in blue ink...ripped it off, and sent me out into the world with a drawing of my left breast, and right there at six o'clock, a circle that would change many things for me in the following weeks.  And maybe forever.

As anyone having experienced such a thing knows, the state of limbo you enter after this, can be crippling.  So much waiting.  It forces you to move past the silly things in your life, and into the worst case scenarios.  It's part of being a mother.  And a woman.  We are practical creatures when we have others to protect.  If we can visualize the worst case scenario, and accept the possibility, we can work our way backwards, and be ok.   Once you've considered things like, upping your life insurance, just in case.  And what you might say to your kiddo.  You realize, you have to go back to the silly things in life.  To save yourself.  All the serious thoughts just keep you in a dark place.  And I am a firm believer in what you believe, becomes your reality.  So i knew I needed to change my mind.  CHANGE MY MIND.  Statistically, I had nothing wrong with me.  Eight out of ten women turn out to be fine.  And yet, all of a sudden my thoughts day and night, were around 'what if'.  I knew I had to get out of my head, and start thinking positive thoughts.  I knew how to get myself high....if I know a handful of things in this life, it's how to raise my vibration.  Take my thoughts to high places.  And so I set out to do that.  I didn't see very many people,  for weeks, I mostly stayed home.  Or hunkered down at the studio.  I meditated.  I did yoga.  I even started that ballet class on line, the one I  had always wanted to take.  I slept.  A LOT.  I found some days, the only way to shut my mind off was to sleep.  And I did whatever it took, to keep myself high.  Even if it meant naps, and early bedtimes.  And I watched two movies, every day.  The same two, over and over.   Two predictable, cheery, easy, silly, nostalgic movies, that always made me feel good.  Ghostbusters, one and two.  Crazy, but true. I needed predictable and silly and easy....and they delivered every time.  Dave would gently pry my laptop out of my hands in bed each night, as I often drifted to sleep watching one of them.  We would joke after dinner, Dave would say 'are Pete and the boys expecting you to do some ghost busting tonight'  knowing full well I was looking very forward to hopping into bed with the gang.  It was quite lovely and child like, and to be honest, it isn't stopping any time soon!  

From the time of that first appointment with my own doctor, to the date I had my results....a lot changed in my life.  But first....let me say, I found out that I am one of the lucky ones....my girls are just fine.  Alleluia.  Big DEEP sigh.  After all the weeks of waiting and the crazy twists and turns of my mind preparing me for the various potential outcomes,  I found the news almost as surreal as the initial omg moment.  I celebrated the news very independently.   I went to the lake.  I sipped my tea and watched Charlie play.  I found this egg at my feet, the one in the photo...a new life had sprung from the shell, and it naturally felt symbolic.  It was a gift, it was my celebration.  I was changed, and I knew it was all going to be a catalyst in my life....to live exactly the way I most want to live.  I didn't rush out and tell anyone,  I was so aware of of how many other women, women I know at this moment, who were getting the opposite results.  I celebrated quietly.  But mostly, I was distracted.  I was not willing to forget all the things I had decided, as I was waiting.  I stayed focused on them, vibrationally.  All the things I want to do.  Mostly....it's not about things I want to do, or places I want to see....for me it's all about a frame of mind I want to live within.  When there was a possibility that maybe there was something in me that was dis-eased, I decided that I needed to start living more carefree.  Less worried about things.  More in the moment.  Really savouring what I have, instead of always searching.   Taking more leaps, being brave, following my gut no matter what, and truly living my life the way I need to, intuitively.  For some that know me well, I am sure they would think I already do live from my gut, and can't open a can of tuna without intuition - and that is true.  But I realized in that limbo place, there are other areas of life that I wasn't living that truth entirely.  And I kinda feel those places,  are what sent me on the journey this past few weeks, in the first place.  They are wanting opened up and freed.  A tap on the shoulder or a whisper like the one I had, is no accident.  

A lot has been happening since the whisper... mostly inside.  I don't need a reason to take a nap, if I need one.  When I thought I might be sick, one of the things I cherished was a nap when I was exhausted.  For the first time in my life, I didn't feel guilty for napping.  That says a lot about my life before this.  And everyday, I make new stories in my life, based on me.  We don't know how much time we have here....and I truly believe we were meant for more skinny dipping,  late night magic with friends on patios, deep heart to hearts where rainbows frame the sky to mark a new time,  worry free days that stretch and string together into a month, and eventually become a way of life.  One conscious thought at a time.  One decision at a time, to be free.  Deep sigh.  I just want to let go of all the worry (one moment at a time) and waisted energy on controlling things, so it all fits.  I am so deeply thankful for the tiny bump we called walter,  who tapped me on the shoulder and whispered 'wake up, it's your time'....

Txo

ps  I think we are all affected differently when confronted with such things...for me,  my carefree-edness, the way I want to live, doesn't just magically happen.  I have to choose it.  Over and over and over.  Some days are brilliant and bright...and I'm living total ease and worry is far away.  Other days,   takes more effort.  I guess what I'm saying is...my new movie is The lion King and Hakuna Matata runs though my head a lot!  Hey, do what it takes xo

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